May 6th, 2011
While checking my mailbox today, I was pleasantly surprised with a letter from Osama Bin Laden. Allow me to share it with you all:
To Whom It May Concern,
If you are reading this, it means two things. One, you can read. Two, I’m deceased. But, you know Public Enemy Number One couldn’t leave without sending a farewell letter. We all die one day, but I doubt anyone will ever do it like me. You think the U.S. really beat me, huh? If that’s your opinion, you’re sadly mistaken. You all had me pegged as an old sick man living in some dusty cave. No, I was traveling from mansion to mansion – having unprotected sex with beautiful women and eating Skittles (the green ones are my favorite). Life was so enjoyable, I forgot I was a fugitive. Imagine me relaxing in my Pakistan compound, getting my feet rubbed by my wife and looking at my Twitter timeline (from a locked account, of course). That is exactly what I was doing. Then, I heard a commotion and all of a sudden a group of pink people with guns stormed in. I bet you’re wondering how I can write about my own death before it happens. The same way I know all of America’s other plans – my friends at the C.I.A.
Let me help you understand. I am NOT the leader of Al Qaeda. I am merely a FACE of terrorism. I’m a handsome face at that. The Al Qaeda is a group composed of many other organizations with different goals, but common practices. We are more like a broken home than an organized crime unit. I know you Americans can relate to that, since you have the highest divorce rates on earth. We didn’t even know each other until the C.I.A. gathered us together (they are such leaders) and paid us A LOT of money to drive the Soviets out of Afghanistan. Presently, the U.S. still pays Al Qaeda in Libya to rid them of Gadaffi. When we work FOR the U.S., we are considered “Rebel Fighters. But, when work AGAINST the U.S. – we are called “Terrorists”. You Americans and your two-faced ways. Thats why I stopped dealing with you all. We helped you in Afghanistan, but wouldn’t allow us to help you with Saddam Hussein. So, I planned the bombing of the World Trade Centers in 1993. The U.S. found out I was in Saudi Arabia, so do you know what they did? They bombed a Saudi Arabia factory that provided medicine to more than half the country’s population. Who are the REAL terrorists? I couldn’t let them OUT- TERRORIST me!!! So, the battle began.
That’s enough of the history lesson, let me address the REAL issues. I know a lot of you are celebrating my death. Now, ask yourself – “what is going to change?”. Allow me to answer that. NOTHING is going to change. I’ve been laying low and you haven’t heard from me in years. You’ve just heard ABOUT me. Gossip, gossip, news channels need to STOP IT! Even after my death, gas is STILL sky high for you Americans. Isn’t that FUNNY? All you CAN do is sit at home and watch them talk about ME on television, because you can’t afford to drive anywhere. HaHaHa. You silly people and your meaningless celebrations! Who are you happy for? YOUR situation isn’t improving because of MY death! I guess that is why you have more liquor stores than libraries there, so you can drown yourself in your misery. You can’t even say because lives are being saved or avenged. MANY more people died looking for me than I could ever DREAM about killing – and I dream A LOT about killing! The point of this letter wasn’t just for me to tell you ‘farewell’. It is for you to take a look at yourself. Look at how you are living vicariously through someone else’s downfall. You’re happy I’m dead? You’re happy when the bad guy dies in the movies? Perhaps, you should stop worrying about imagined victories, set goals for yourself and find something to REALLY be happy about. Be happy about progressing yourself. Be happy about raising your children inside of a decent home. Be happy about the RIGHT things!
I’ve got more to say, but I’ll save it for the next letter. I’m about to listen to Jay-Z on my iPod and get fed grapes by infidel prostitutes. Yes, I’m putting out another letter. I am going to be the Tupac of this.
Until Next Time,
Osama Bin Laden (Nova Giovanni)